The conversations we have (or don’t have) at church can either put wind in our sails or further deplete our strength. They can be a source of joy and encouragement or a source of pain and discouragement.

Therefore, we’d be foolish to believe that the only parts of the Sunday morning service that really matter are the music, the sermon, and the sacraments. Whether your church has a formal greeting time during the service or not, what happens between God’s people as they interact with one another relationally matters, and deeply so.

Where do our Sunday morning conversations often go wrong, and how can we pursue greater love in our words with one another? Let’s consider a few possible answers to these questions, focusing on the conversations in which we’re meeting someone for the first time.

Where Things Go Wrong

Since there isn’t time and space for a full treatment of this topic, I’m not including issues related to people being shy or fearful in conversation (but the Better Questions section below might be helpful). I’m also not including the problem of people failing to approach or get to know anyone new outside their current circle of acquaintances and friends (but the Why It Matters section may be helpful).

Outside of the factors mentioned above, first-time conversations can often be either life-giving or life-draining simply based on the questions we ask. Becoming better question askers can transform the shape and atmosphere of the conversations we engage in.

For example, here are some common questions people ask that can be unhelpful (and often hurtful) when meeting someone new at church:

• Are you married?
• Do you have children?
• What do you do for work?

It’s not that these questions are always inappropriate or bad. But when meeting someone new in the context of church, they are hardly the best or most helpful questions to ask, as they really don’t tell us the most important information about someone.

Worse still, they can be hurtful, discouraging, and create divisions and distinctions (James 2:1–4). Often, the people who ask these questions can answer in the affirmative to all three, which can mean they might not be as aware as they should be about the difficulties others may be experiencing.

I can’t tell you how many times people have asked me if I’m married or if I have children when I’m visiting a church and they meet me for the first time. And it’s always painful and awkward (for both of us) for me to answer “No . . .” They realize they shouldn’t have asked that question, and I (and everyone else in a similar situation) must then expend a lot of effort to somehow make it feel “OK” to the other person that my answer is no, all of which could have been avoided with better questions.

Further, asking people whether they have children can be painful and isolating for the infertile couple who has to answer this question over and over again each time they meet someone new who leads with that question.

Similarly, asking a person what they do for work is difficult for unemployed people searching for work, or for people with chronic health problems who are unable to work. Again, it’s not that it can’t ever be an appropriate or good question, but oftentimes, if you get to know someone by asking different (and better) questions, you’ll probably find out their marital status, parental status, and employment status without even having to ask.

Better Questions for Better Conversations

Preparing some good questions in advance can be helpful as we approach visitors or members we’ve never met, especially if we tend to struggle with knowing what to ask or how to effectively interact with others. To replace our less-than-helpful questions above, try asking these instead:

• Are you a regular attender or a visitor?
  • This question is better than “Are you a visitor?” because it’s always a bit uncomfortable when they respond, “No, I’ve been a member for five years.” This question allows us to learn which category they’re in and how to move the conversation forward in a helpful way. For example, if they are a visitor, we can ask if they have questions about the church, offer to accompany them to the visitor center, invite them to our small group, exchange phone numbers, etc. If they’re a regular attender, we can learn how long they’ve been at the church, what ministries they’ve been involved in, what led them to the church, etc.
• How long have you lived in this area?
  • This question helps us understand someone’s relationship to the community and allows us to get to know them a bit more with follow-up questions such as “Where did you live before that?” or “Where did you grow up?” This can get a good conversation rolling much better than the three unhelpful questions above, as we’ll often find points of similarity or points of further conversation as we learn more about their background.
• What brought you to this church?
  • This is an interesting question both for regular attenders and for visitors. If someone is a regular attender, we learn more about their spiritual background, personal history, and values. If someone is a visitor, we learn more about what’s important to them, what they’re seeking, and potentially, how we might be able to serve them.

Why It Matters

Because believers are united to Christ (1 Cor. 1:30), we are also united to one another in one body (1 Cor. 12:12–27). We are spiritual family. Yet I fear that in churches of all denominations all over the country, Jesus is sitting alone in the pews, and no one approaches him and gives a warm greeting. No one asks him to sit with their family. No one invites him to lunch. He is passively overlooked or actively ignored when His beloved children are passively overlooked or actively ignored as they sit in the pews alone (Matt. 25:34–46). If our Christianity only causes us to interact with people who look like us, have a family like ours with children of similar ages, or share our same hobbies, then our Christianity is no different from the local country club. In other words, there’s nothing distinctively Christian about it.

On Sunday mornings, we gather to celebrate the glorious truths that God chose to come near us and initiate relationship with us (John 15:16; Eph. 1:4). He sought us out and made a beeline toward us. He welcomed us to join His own family (John 1:12–13; Rom. 8:14–17; Eph. 1:5). How can we gather to rejoice in those truths and yet fail to reflect how He’s treated us in how we treat others? May we love the Lord our God and love our neighbor as ourselves each Sunday morning with our “small talk,” because the truth is, there’s nothing small about it.